The Oral B Electric Toothbrush with Cross Action

by Homer Les Teabury

5 January 2018. "The Oral B" inaugurates my first bid for honest and integritous writing. My planned series is titled "My Interesting Stuff" and will feature things I have acquired, rate their usefulness, and explain how, where, and when I acquired them. Let's get started.

The Oral B Electronic Toothbrush with Cross Action
I acquired my Oral B in February of 2013 on a Las Vegas retreat from the frigidly cold weather of Iowa. I hadn't much money--at the time of the Oral B's acquisition, none--but I had, after my first ten days in the city of Las Vegas, escaped the colorful crowd that lived in the sprawling Salvation Army Emergency Shelter for deluxe accommodations of my own. With the financial help of my son, I had rented a small suite in the complex where my genius nephew E. Christopher resides with the Las Vegas equivalent of a geisha--a very lovely and pleasing woman who takes excellent care of him. She was very gracious to me, as was he. The complex gave him a $50 cash bonus for referring me as a new tenant; that helped to grease the wheels of graciousness on everybody's part. 

High as a Kite
Anyway, to return to the Oral B. This fine electronic toothbrush was part of a large parcel of loot brought up to my suite by a young tart, probably drug-addicted, once we had become acquainted. She was a charming woman with long curls and skin the color of cafe au lait. She dressed in a provocative manner that led me to believe she might have been a harlot. Nonetheless, she was irrepressibly happy and good company. I suspect that had I a ten-dollar bill, she would gladly have performed an act of carnality of the oral species on me in exchange for it. As it was, once she noted I had a digital camera, I intuited that she might have been persuaded to pose in wanton postures for free. She had great enthusiasm for being photographed, that was clear, probably because she was young and attractive.

The longer-term rental accommodations in Las Vegas provide none of the hotel amenities. One must provide one's own bedding, towels, etc., but I had adapted to living without such luxuries. When she used my bathroom, the lack of toilet paper no doubt caused her to intuit that I was as broke as she, and she proposed a business venture. If I would take some of the items she had dragged in with her back to a nearby Walmart and exchange them for store credit, she said, we could split the rewards of whatever new items might be had with that credit. When I asked her why she couldn't simply do this by herself, she admitted that she was too well-known to risk attempting the transaction. I agreed that I would give it a try.

Before we left on our adventure, she created a pipe from a broken light bulb and a straw and had a long serious smoke. I suspect she was smoking crack or methamphetamine, but I certainly had never witnessed such a prodigious smoker. I declined her offer to smoke with her and watched in amazement as the smoke billowed from her like a dragon. When this woman smoked, she really smoked. I had seen others indulge in these drugs (although I personally have never partaken), and they puffed like frugal spinsters compared to this one. She really blazed it up good.

Finally, we departed on our agreed-upon venture. We walked to the Walmart and parted ways, for she did not want to be seen in the vicinity. I approached the Service Counter and began by trying to return a dozen expensive flea collars for cats. The clerk looked at me with some suspicion and informed me that the store had experienced a wave of theft that included a great many of these flea collars. She could not accept them in return for store credit. I didn't push my luck, for the situation had quickly become clear to me.

I believe that my sponsor in this activity must have smoked too much of whatever she was consuming so ravenously, for she never returned to my suite; and despite my efforts to find her, I never saw her again. I believe she forgot where we had met and started out from that day. When check-out day for me rolled around, her merchandise bonanza still sat in my quarters. Among the items was an Oral B Electric Toothbrush with Cross-Action. I was reluctant to use it, but once back in Iowa I succumbed to its cross action. Unfortunately, I have no teeth--but it massages gums and power-cleans my upper plate wonderfully well.

The Oral B has a battery that is still powering the toothbrush like it is brand new. It is an excellent instrument and unparalleled in my experience for battery longevity. This item was one of many, some of which I may feature in future installments of "My Interesting Stuff."