An Offbeat Comedy Meant for Production In Detroit
by Tommy George and Donald Pardlow
Three Detroit kids, each with a back-story
LILJO, 13, the group's diminutive leader whose big mouth compensates for his small size. Black/oriental wise guy.
Big ARMAND, 14, twice Joe's size, but quiet and sensitive. His dad's one of Detroit's few remaining good-guy cops.
LA TREENA, 13, budding and cute. Black/Latina mix; a lonely pre-teen who sometimes turns too wild trying to be one of the boys.
One Detroit Star, playing multiple roles
1000 MICS, a tripped-out rapper who also plays the role of
1000 MICS, his white-ass self
1000 MICS, his white-ass self
ISOWANA BOMBA, the daffy terrorist
SONNY CLIFFS, a Sam Spade-style private investigator.
Other Major Characters
BIGWOOD, 1000 MICS' refrigerator-sized bodyguard.
KILLAM AL-BAADA, a real terrorist;
JONNY SKWIRELL, chalk-faced American CIA/double dealer
DR. FRIEDA LYONS, foxy, young veterinarian caretaker of
WALLY, "America's Mascot"--an American Bison that Isowana has kidnapped from the DC zoo--a shaggy beast, very protective of Frieda.
Tiny LILJO, 13, goads LA TREENA, 13: no girl will ever get jumped into this gang, and keeps on 'til she busts: But it's okay for some dusty li'l circus-midget like you? Bool Shit LILJO! she protests, yanking the Joe Louis slugger from his tiny shoulder and smashing the passenger-side window of a sleek, fine ride, way out of place in this 'hood: glass beads scatter, alarms pierce kid brains, and LA TREENA's eyes bug wide. She squeals with scared laughter, forgetting all about the cellphone on the car seat that started the dozens flying, but LILJO hasn't, when Shit here come Dumbo da giant!
Bodyguard BIGWOOD, alerted and crossing Van Dyke Avenue's ten lanes--Lookit dat elephant!--lumbers, so LILJO chances diving into the car after the phone. . . . there! Got it! . . . just barely dodging BIGWOOD's grasp, the smart-ass shrimp dances and teases, then he and the kids tear off down the avenue with their prize.
BIGWOOD, security head for megastar 1000 MICS (whose cellphone the kids have swiped), often returns with the boss to a favorite restaurant in the 'hood, where the star rapper orders two of everything on the menu and takes all day to chow down. Out of breath, BIGWOOD informs the boss about the kids, the car, and the stolen phone. Calm down Big, I'll show ya how to handle kids, says the rapper. 1000 MICS is so cool, he sometimes freezes--a parody of fame. He reaches for BIGWOOD's cellphone--yep, he's showin Big how to handle kids--LILJO's hot lip spills out the phone--just stayin cool, see?--but LILJO's shamelessness goes on and on and--see? He's cool, just wait, just--until 1000 MICS freaks--that fuckin little bitch I'm gonna kill im!
KIDS laugh on the run: Ohh, they got Dumbo good, he say he 1000 MICS now . . . ahhhhh! Using *69, each kid in turn pranks the rapper or his bodyguard. Damn brats. But the calls end. As 1000 MICS' long meal progresses dish after dish with occasional between-course encounters, he gets curious about his phone, and calls KIDS one more time. But something's whack now--someone else on the line, and he ain't a kid, but . . . gonna take him a minute to figure this out . . .
Bird-brained Indian terrorist ISOWANA BOMBA has kidnapped America's super-mascot WALLY the American Bison and his foxy veterinarian FRIEDA LYONS from the Washington, DC Zoo. The theft of "America's Mascot" has given national media a news-cycle buzzword, but nobody's looking in Detroit, where whacky ISOWANA's been driving the beast around in his RV/Buffalo-pen until the 4th of July--when ISOWANA'S role in a planned terrorist super-plot is to barbeque WALLY pirated TV airwaves, dishing up shattered morale to the American president and his special guests, the Saudi royal family.
When the KIDS stumble into ISOWANA's plan, the terrorist takes them hostage, and the fireworks start earlier than planned. 1000 MICS' call to his stolen cellphone is answered by ISOWANA, who stupidly tries to pass himself off as American. In the background, 1000 MICS hears cries for help, snorts, and then a gunshot. He realizes Dis ain't just kids' play, and puts Private Investigator SONNY CLIFFS on the case.
As hostages, LILJO, LA TREENA, and ARMAND run ISOWANA ragged, making one escape attempt after another at various Detroit landmarks. Every time, something misfires. WALLY the Bison escapes and tears things up at one locale. Foxy hostage FRIEDA LYONS loses her clothes in another. Hostages always wind up back in the RV, with ISOWANA and his black-hearted, CIA-fink JOHNNY SKWIRELL in the driver's seat.
Between escape attempts each youngster reflects on his or her back-story. LILJO's tiny Chinese-American pop has lost control of his huge black Mom, who mistreats him; LA TREENA parents have been absent for years. Supposedly, they're off making a new life for the whole family, but her guardian/aunt has turned into a drug-addled chickenhead. ARMAND's dad is a good Detroit cop under pressure from his crooked brother-cops.
After three ridiculous near-escapes, ISOWANA BOMBA has had enough. Although ordered on pain of death to stay far, faraway from terrorist headquarters by the nasty head-terrorist KILLAM AL-BAADA, ISOWANA delivers the hostages into Detroit's true terrorist underground complex hidden in abandoned salt mines far below Detroit.
Playtime ends when kids see what they've fallen into--a dark underworld of angry, machine-gun-toting fanatics who have an ominously flashing nuclear bomb. The real bad guys have simply been using ISOWANA and kidnapped WALLY as a ruse to divert attention from their far more sinister plan. Murderous head-terrorist KILLAM AL-BAADA is furious with Isowana, and imprisons the whole group. Kilam then proceeds unimpeded with his real plan, to destroy all nonbelievers. First, he takes to pirated airwaves with his nuclear ultimatum. He sets the bomb to explode in 60 minutes.
The city above goes into hysterics, riots, and looting. Below, KIDS reflect on family, this time with regrets and prayer. ISOWANA BOMBA, also a prisoner now, reflects idiotically. WALLY remembers the buffalo he left behind, and FRIEDA LYONS daydreams of her secret crush, rapper 1000 MICS.
His all-day meal down to its last few courses, 1000 MICS figures things out: between TV news of WALLY, his last call to his own cell-phone, and now KILLAM AL-BAADA interrupting his favorite show with threats, the puzzle comes together. He knew he heard a buffalo in the background! That was Wally!
1000 MICS, PI SONNY CLIFFS, Bodyguard BIGWOOD, and a posse of colorful neighborhood characters gather and plot strategy. Using the GPS in 1000 MICS' cellphone, they locate KIDS far below the city. The salt mines! The gang disguises themselves as orthodox salt mine inspectors to infiltrate the secret base below Detroit
Story needs a climax that is offbeat--a chase scene unique to Detroit. Like, as the crazed populous is rioting and looting, good rappers in a garbage truck drive through them in pursuit of a hearse-load of bad guys? A bus chasing a bulldozer? Kids driving? Canada? Tunnel to Canada? Grand Prix? Something to set off the chase and ticking clock with elements that are uniquely Detroit.
Above ground, the army of terrorists flee their underground lair into the light of day, where they are pursued through crowds of crazed looters. Down below, the nuke ticks away. The action turns to a parody of the ticking clock with chase. Finally, the chase above devolves into a foot race, with a group of queen-sized neighborhood women chasing the band of terrorists.
The story climaxes as 1000 MICS rescues Frieda/kids from certain death. One of the kids defuses the nuke, just in the nick of time. Bedraggled terrorists surrender to a posse of large ladies. The Motor City breathes a sigh of relief, and it stinks like cheap wine.
The story's dénouement reunites all the good guys at a fancy Washington DC 4th of July bar-b-que. Kids and families, 1000 MICS and FRIEDA LYONS, and the whole crew of colorful neighbors get their propers in Washington, DC, and hobnob with the Saudi royal family as the VIP guests of President O. As fireworks explode in the sky, Wally--"America's Mascot" romps through the White House.
by Thomas Tasseff and Don Pardlow
EXT. STUDIO PARKING LOT NIGHT
A luxury automobile sits in a lot of regular-looking cars.
A customized cell phone sits on the front seat. The glass of one of the car’s windows is shattered loudly--fragments of glass spray on the cell phone and the seat. An alarm goes off.
LA TREENA (O.S.)
LILJO reaches in the car and grabs the cell phone.
EXT. AUTOMOBILE NIGHT
LILJO, La Treena, and BIG ARMAND run from the car and into:
EXT. ALLEY NIGHT
LILJO, La Treena, and BIG ARMAND (laughing and whooping, trailing each other in that order) continue running down the alley and away from the alarm. After they run several blocks, they turn a corner and hide in:
INT. WAREHOUSE NIGHT
LILJO, La Treena, and BIG ARMAND stop, bend over, and breathing heavily, attempt to catch their breaths.
Why the fuck you have to
do THAT! No need for all
(gestures his head
toward La Treena)
She just HAD to have it!
Goddamn! Would you EAT SHIT
if she asked you?
La Treena quickly stands up, raises a fist and lunges at BIG ARMAND. She swings.
Shut up! (BIG ARMAND ducks.)
It’s just a fucking phone!
La Treena grabs BIG ARMAND, BIG ARMAND covers his head with his hand and La Treena frantically beats him.
It’s just a ticket back to lockup!
LILJO quickly grabs La Treena from behind and pulls her off BIG ARMAND.
Stop, goddamn it! Stop!
Please stop, please!
She kicks and flails her arms while BIG ARMAND lies oo the floor and moans in relief. LILJO holds her tightly and continues to hold her as she calms down. After she stills, she rests her head on LILJO’s shoulder. Still holding her, LILJO gently turns her about. They look into each other’s eyes briefly and then kiss.
(still on the
La Treena and LILJO)
Some damn stupid shit!
The cell phone rings. LILJO and La Treena continue to kiss. The phone rings again twice.
Hey! (She reaches in LILJO’s
coat pocket, takes the phone
and answers it.) Hello?
CUT TO INT. OF RECORDING STUDIO NIGHT
Thousand Mics, surrounded by a group of homies, talks into a wall phone.
You the punk-ass fucker
who busted in my ride?
CUT TO INT. OF WAREHOUSE
Yeah, bitch! And what you
gonna do about it?
BIG ARMAND gets off the floor and listens in with LILJO.
INT. OF STUDIO
YOU the one sounds like a
bitch! A little bitty one!
An itty-bitty bitch, that’s
what you is! Can’t even
handle a GNAT-SIZED dick!
YOU the one with the gnat-
sized dick! (BIG ARMAND and LILJO