Training a Young, Affluent Man to Be an Obedient Husband: Parody
by Joan E Thurman
(now with less filth!)
. My name is Joan E Thurman. I had a typical American girlhood, and freely confess that like many of my readers, I made mistakes. I learned much from my experiences, like wrestling in the backseats of cars with boys intent upon abusing my womanhood, yet willing to give nothing in return for those most valuable of commodities, love and affection. I learned much from my backseat misadventures with untrained boys . . . about rats.
Joan E Advises on Training Your Wealthy Young
I developed verbal and physical self-defense techniques for unmanning the lust-crazed human male. But my surest means of fending off the unwanted passion of unacceptable mates are psychological. I studied BF Skinner and found his theories work well to my womanly ends, because human men and male rats have so much in common--much more than you'd imagine.
Somewhat misled by the overstated proposition that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, I paid my own way through an exclusive European academy for the culinary arts. Later, I earned my MFA because I was compelled to do so by the monetary loses I suffered at the hands of unscrupulous men who backed my ever-profitable ventures. I learned to observe these small creatures as carefully as a hawk, yet as silently as a tigress.
Now at the golden age of just under 30, I have developed workable practices. I control these small things in life, which if allowed to run willy-nilly, will surely ruin you. These small things I refer to are men. This is how to view them--scientifically, like germs under a microscope.
I may be able to help you avoid the bad choices I long ago made, but survived; and my wise counsel will without doubt enhance your status as a woman not only of refined taste, but one possessing the skills necessary to make men perform as they should.
I'm not sure exactly when I realized that 99% of men have only one abiding interest in girls and women--s-e-x, and specifically acts that degrade a goodly, pure woman and cast her in the role of slut, for the man's own fickle reasons.
Once you give a man that power over you, the relationship between takes on the same dynamic as the rude farmer managing his harnessed mule.
I made a choice never again to be that mule.
Now, using such diverse ingredients as proper etiquette, fine cuisine, refined manners, and even a little magic, I have learned how to train them like mules, for whatever they may do for me.
Early Stages of Courtship--The First Few Years
This is you!
When I plan a menu for the occasional man whom I consider a good prospect for formal partnership, my recipes include more than just food and drink--lots more, but don't get the wrong idea. I might prepare a lovely, well-spiced cut of meat, with all the right side dishes to make for a memorable dining experience, but that piece of meat will never be me.
First, the man must be extremely special--a potential husband living to a higher standard, and believing in the sanctity of all living things. Such illustrious guests will neither say good night nor be allowed his long good-night kiss until he has set the kitchen in proper, professional order. That is, if he ever wants to see me again.
In many regards, I have managed to reverse the male-female balance of power, and find that this reversal can be a great source of pleasure to . . . both of us.
He is my piece of meat, and my beast of burden, but my yoke is pleasant when he is obedient. He has always known that at bottom he is not much more than a large slab of insensible flesh.
I have always known that God is a Woman, and Woman rules the world whether she knows it or not. Only when each one of us assumes her full responsibility, as do more of us every day, will the planet become the safe beautiful garden intended by our Female creator.
I freely confess that I have a weakness for genuine, shared love--and hope someone has trained him in the dynamic nuances of pleasing a woman. I encourage him to kiss me goodnight for as long as his knees hold out.
However, I do not lead him on that I (as an unmarried woman) could ever reciprocate. That would be animal abuse. Like an obedient Arab woman, he will keep his head covered and make himself scarce when I am done with him, even though we may not be in public view.
However, even the brightest of marital prospects won't be given even that privilege until after many, many well-behaved, happy evenings, for all of which he will pick up the tab.
By then, he will know better than to expect reciprocation of any similar kind, and so work all the harder to give the perfect pleasure--after all, he has already scored big by enjoying my company--maybe even a gourmet meal, fixed just for him and served with elegance. Even feeding such creatures is shamelessly to spoil them, but in that regard I am weak.
The long good-night kisses he must perform upon me (as I order them) will have to suffice for him--at least until he has made a solid commitment as follows:
a certified 2.5 carat diamond engagement ring on my finger
a dowry of seven-figures made over to me (Certificates of Deposit only)
a minimum of $150,000 cash to cover the expenses of our wedding ceremony and reception, planned by me and to include gifts to our guests which will never be tossed, but handed down as family heirlooms for generations.
For the sake of fairness, he will be free to invite immediate family
and a handful of his most successful friends
to our wedding and reception.
When my attorney assures that me that obligations have been fully honored, I will allow him to stand erect for his sample of my well-schooled techniques.
Not possible, you say?
Ha! Let me explain the cardinal reason why such triumphs of womanhood are not only possible, but accomplished with relative ease by women of character. The paradoxical thing about the male animal is that the worse you treat him, the better he treats you, and the more he worships you.
Crazy, huh?--but true. Men, regardless of social class, will do anything, undergo any ordeal, for the chance to intermingle their genes with yours through erotic congress. But how does a girl go about finding proper candidates for her marriage plans? Here are a few guiding principles:
Be selective about the sort of man you allow within fifty feet of you.
Never look at or talk to an inferior model--let alone offer it any opportunity to become your admirer!
Give the man who shows very promising earmarks--a Fortune 500 family, profound intelligence or talent, remarkable humanitarianism, or extreme acquisition skills in the material world--a word or two of kindness or praise. Don't overdo it or they may get conceited.
Invite the most promising of prospects to your home for a Chick Flick sharing date--but offer no activity even remotely suggestive of any personal intimacies.
Keep firmly in mind at all times and at all places that human males obsess over female hold-outs, and will never give up pursuit--as long as the female of his fantasy steadfastly holds out for her own needs.
These are but a few preliminary imperatives to demonstrate for young women of quality the types of self-denial required of a the modern girl aiming to become one of tomorrow's wealthiest widows. They're not easy for the normal, healthy woman, but we'll be glad we did when we're having lunch in Paris.
If these sorts of lady-like discipline are not within your grasp, that's okay too. We're all friends here, and speaking frankly, I acknowledge the world's need for washer-women/slave-type girls, hotel maids, prostitutes, sluts who perform fellatio for a beer and a cigarette, and even bag ladies in the later
years of her squandered life.
These craven female archetypes have always existed, and indirectly assist their more courageous sisters by showing us up as even more brilliant against the darkening galaxy of female culture. One activity women of all types can share and enjoy: free membership in Joan E's group:
Click to Stand Tall with Women Who Say No! to the Word
Take advantage of a forum where all women are free to tell it like it is! You may save another woman, or learn something to save yourself. As I mentioned earlier, as an added benefit to young women of exceptional breeding who have made it this far in my introduction, here's a recipe for the first-date activity I highly recommend.
I remind readers that such an evening should be offered only to the most promising of men, one with whom an ongoing relationship will bring certain advantages. To this end, my formula for first dates (during which more than a good movie may be watched). I call it
Chik Flix, Snax Mix, Martinis
a la Russe
, and Obedient Dix.
Consider its ingredients in their broadest sense, as nourishment and wisdom.
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